about me

Hi, I’m Emma. I’m 16 and in love with a boy

i post pictures of things and people which i have never seen, but for some reason people seem to appreciate that.  

there are things that i like, such as:

the civil wars, foster the people, two door cinema club, arcade fire, the XX, vampire weekend, Bombay bicycle club, MGMT, radiohead, the strokes, U.S royalty, Noah and the whale, foals, death cab for cutie, fleet foxes, the wombats, bon iver, Iron and Wine, joy division, grizzly bear, the smiths & Hey Rosetta! deer, bears, wolves but mostly deer.

MY MOTHER FUCKIN LIFE STORY

a lot of things change and i have always noticed this, but until recently i never thought i did. i woke up one morning and realized i had become someone else, and im still not sure if i like it. 

i was born the way we all were, and i grew up the way we all do. i was sensititve and stupid and awkward and i lived in newfoundland, canada. newfoundland is an entirely unremarkable province on the eastern side of canada which is fitting because i am an entirely unremarkable girl. anyway i was born here and i grew here and i hope i dont have the stupid accent associated with this shit hole i went to a small school on a quiet street and was always self concience about everything. in fact i thought i had no friends and that nobody liked me until a couple years ago, when some old friends told me that i was the most popular girl in the 4th grade. regardless i fled from the elementary school in which i was popular and moved to a private school, it was there that i became friends with some of the coolest people ever and it was there that my self esteem fell even further. i was the fatest girl in my class and the dumbest the boys didnt fawn over me like they did for the others and i was ok with that because i was a kid. eventually i started to like guys, and they didnt like me back, but i could deal. i was loud and obnoxious and ugly but i had fun like that. then i met alex he had always gone to my school but i hadnt talked to him until our classes of 12 students (grade 8) and 7 students (grade 9) were combined and shared courses. i dont exacly remember how we came to talk but we did and we became friends (ish). Alex was shallow, rude, self-centred, mean and unfortunately self conscience about his… unpleasant appearance, and it all added up to create one of the most merciless bullies ive ever met. however, he was still my friend because when your school only has 30 students you are kind of obligated to be friends with everyone. i, as the fat turd of the class was his favorite target, but i wasnt gonna take it so i teased back, with the help of some friends. of course nothing i could say could measure up with the fat jokes, fake crashing sounds when i walked and jabs and my general inability to attract men. i guess alex never realized how low my self esteem was because it only got worse from there. and to make matters even worse, instead of hating him, i had fallen in love with alexander jessome. 

it started with a bet, “who can make the greatest improvement in their appearance in 1 month” i dont remember what the stakes were but to me, his affection was on the line. i thought that if i won id be good enough for him, so win i did. that is how i developed my eating disorder, well, more or less. (arguments could be made that i was a highly unstable child with anxiety, periods of insomnia and general low self worth along with a family history of mental illness but whatever) i dropped about 40 pounds, grew 5 inches and went from a size 14 to size 3. all the while i had my friends supporting me for losing the weight and judging me for never eating. much to my disappointment, alex didnt even noticed and graduated without a care, still my best friend, still oblivious. 

the following year was wonderful and awful, my last year in private school. a new girl came (which was very usual) her name was jane. i still dont know whether she moved to lakecrest of her own free will or whether her parents made her, but she was beautiful, and perfect and funny and silly so naturally, we became friends along with my best friend lindsay. we shared everything, but somewhere along the way i shared my eating disorder, and things got really bad, or really good, everything is really foggy from that time and part of me thinks the weight loss was a great thing. anyway the same thing happened as before and i lost more and more weight and so did jane, she was already so tiny she could have died anytime. i dont think anyone really suspected what was going on, i mean, i wasn’t sknny enough to have an eating disorder. so i kept going, i kept fainting, i kept feeling ugly and i kept listening to the voice at the back of my head. im still waiting for that to stop. 

i still texted alex all the time even though he was in high school and there was a while when i started to think he liked me. i told him about how i liked this other guy in my class, he told me that there was a girl he liked and so we had another bet :”who could get thier first kiss first” again, i won, but i wasn’t satisfied so that relationship never really went anywhere. for a while alex hated me, and i never really understood why, i thought it was just because i won the bet, he said it was because “our friendship was different now”. he told me years later that it was really because he had wanted to ask to be each others first kiss and make it a tie. regardless, he got over it and we continued being friends.

i dont really know how it happened, but somehow alex met my friend jane, and they went on a date, and he liked her , but she didnt like him and it was all really stupid and childish, just like all of this shit is, but regardless it all mattered. he texted me one night, pissed the fuck off at jane for telling him she didnt like him or something stupid like that and i calmed hime down and we started talking about random stuff and i told him i liked him for some stupid reason. that was the first time alex made me cry myself to sleep. R-E-J-E-C-T-E-D

months later he mentioned another girl he liked, and he told me he wanted to make sure she liked him too before he asked her out. alex told me he couldnt tell me who she was until after he asked her out because he didnt want to jinx it. naturally, i thought he was talking about me. looking back i should have known it wasnt but, i was kinda in love so my reasoning was a bit skewed. and it took him weeks to finally ask the bitch out but he did, and she wasnt me and her name was kristen and that was the second time alex made me cry myself to sleep. (well not counting the severe anxiety attacks he indirectly caused in relation to my eating disorder)

kristen was genuinely evil, in the first few weeks she forbid alex from speaking to me/texting me. so without any warning or explanation our friendship ended. but they went out for a couple months, including a whole summer. i suppose we spoke every now and then, at camps we went to and stuff, but never long enough to explain what happened. i thought he just didnt like me. it was a few nights over the summer of grade nine that i cried myself to sleep because i lost alex. 

i started high school the next year, public school was sketch as fuck at first and no one really jumps on the chance to make friends with a bunch of prepschool dweebs so we kept to ourselves. for some reason my grades skyrocketed and i started running more, basically everything got better. then alex started coming around every now and then when kristen wasnt in school to say hi, and our friendship was put back together. alex says he always liked me but id like to know when it was that he realized with enough certainty that he was willing to break up with kristen for me. although he had broken up with the wicket witch of the west we still hadnt technically admitted we liked each other. 

i was at my cabin i think, in early october, and id gone for a walk as deep in the woods as i could go without risking being eatan by a moose. i found a tree which leaned in such a way that it was easy to climb and sit in. i was listening to coldplay, even though i dont really like them that much. i was a real bitch about telling him the truth. but eventually he weezled it out of me that i liked him. eventually my friend showed up and she came into the woods and we sat there eating cheap candy and contemplated what he would say. he gave some useless long winded essay about how he liked me but he didnt want to ruin our friendship “blah blah blah”. all i read was “i like you”. the next few weeks were spent trying to convince him that it would be great if we went out, yada yada. he never real agreed or disagreed. eventually  the weekend rolled around for his annual halloween party. i went as wonder woman he went as rorschach, i really regret my costume choice because it involved a really short skirt which revealed noticeable cuts on my thighs (even when i layered about two pounds of concealer over them). i think eveyone at that party noticed, which is really upsetting now but i wasn’t too concerned until alex did. he made me tell him everything, and i think that was the biggest turning point n his mean personality, i think he needed me to realize what he could do to people. i dont like it but i dont think he ever got over what he did to me. even after i did. after that day i never heard him make a joke at the expense of a person over again.

the following day was halloween and he invited me over to hang out, i remember we did basically nothing but watch movies and answer the door, but the whole time he was trying to kiss me, and id be a wuss and run away. his parents were out and my parents were on the way to pick me up and i had put it off all night. i think someone had the radio and he made me stand up in his porch and dance with him (which wasnt as cheezy at the time) and that was the first time i kissed alex. it was fucking awesome.

the rest of it is history, its been over a year now and weve had some pretty shitty times and some fucking amazing ones. it sounds stupid to say im in love when I’m this young but i dont know what else to call it. we would probably be happy justing sitting on a porch somewhere watching the world go by and enjoying each others company, i hope thats what love is. i still struggle with that eating disorder but he makes it better  and he has a lot of growing up to do  and i help hi with that. but we compliment each other well and i dont know how to live without him.

this morning was christmas day and i woke up and realized that i lost myself a long time ago and now its just me and alex, no longer capable of being apart. (and my best friends lindsay and ethan of course)

someday im getting out of this hell hole called newfoundland, im gonna see shit, and do shit and live. its gonna be mother fuckin awesome. 

i dunno i guess I’m really really crazy,and pessimistic as fuck i can’t spell and I’m not tumblr famous, i never will be awk, but this is my silly little life, and my silly little blog. if you want to know anything else (though there isn’t much left) ask me anything :)

i fuckin love mondays btw